Return to Grey

Wednesday will mark the two month anniversary of Ayden's discharge from the hospital.  Normally, this would be something to celebrate unequivocally, but it just so happens Wednesday is also the day we take our baby boy back to the hospital for his second surgery.  There is much equivocation from us on that.  While we fully understand Ayden's second surgery - the bidirectional Glenn (check out this link for a great explanation of what it is and why it's done) - is necessary to sustain his life, we are not at all looking forward to another hospital stay.  The mixed emotions - the grey - have returned.

This seems odd to say, but I feel more dread about the days after the surgery than I do about the surgery itself.  Because Ayden knows the difference between hospital and home, there are just so many things that will be harder the second time around.  He is bigger.  He is more active.  He is used to being played with.  And held.  And walked around when he's upset.  And sleeping without interruption.  He is no longer used to being poked, prodded, listened to, and just generally bothered at regular intervals.  I just know every little thing is going to set him off.  I fear that will only serve to prolong his stay.

Worst of all, we will again be constantly subject to the readings of the pulse oximeter ("pulse ox" for short), otherwise known to any parent of a child who has to wear one as "the devil incarnate."  While I find it almost baffling an instrument can externally measure oxygen levels in the blood, it is a damnable piece of medical equipment.  You see, it works best (read: only) when Ayden is not moving.  If he's awake, forget it (the morning after his cath, when he was fully awake and moving, there were times when the pulse ox was indicating his oxygen saturation was 25%).  Of course, babies don't move very much during the course of a day.

(If your sarcasm detector didn't just go off, check its batteries).

But seriously, the concern here is this:  the doctors won't let him go home if there are questions about his saturation levels, and the piece of equipment used to measure those levels is almost completely useless on an active baby.  See the potential problem there?

***

Something else which will make Wednesday morning hard is having to hand over a seemingly healthy baby, with naught but a feeding tube, to the surgical team, who will then give us back a seemingly broken baby with a breathing tube, an IV or two, and who knows what else.  In some ways, it will feel as if we are starting all over again.  To an extent, it will be.  It is to be expected that Ayden will regress a bit because of the surgery and everything it brings with it.

It will also be hard for another reason:  the relational circumstances of this surgery are very different than the first.  Dr. K said it best:  "For the first surgery, it was a family member.  For this surgery, it's Ayden."  It may seem like a distinction without a difference, but it's not.  He is our son in both instances, but he is a person now.  He has a personality.  We have a relationship with him.  He knows who we are now, not just vice versa.

***

If everything goes well, Ayden should get to go home within 7-10 days.  After that, things will be different.  Ayden's world - and, therefore, ours - will expand.  We will no longer be living as hermits.  That is not to say we will be without restrictions.  There will still be things we cannot do and places we cannot go (church, unfortunately, will continue to be one of them).  Allison and I have not finalized exactly what rules we will operate under, but we can at least say Ayden will get to start meeting some of the people who have been praying for him.  That will be a blessing for all involved, I'm sure.

For the first three weeks after his surgery, however, visitors are strictly forbidden (this applies regardless of his location, either in the hospital or at home).  Sorry, doctor's orders.

***

One final surgery item.  Ayden will most likely need to receive at least one transfusion either during or after the surgery (he received several during his first hospital stay).  Ayden's blood type is O-.  O- is compatible with all other blood types, which is to say anyone can receive O- blood.  Unfortunately, the opposite is not also true.  If your blood type is O-, like Ayden's, you can only receive O- blood.

Normally, Ayden would simply receive blood from the general blood bank, as he has in the past (they try to use the same donor for multiple transfusions, if possible).  There is another option:  direct blood donation.  This is where blood is donated for a specific recipient.  Again, as Ayden is O-, he can only receive that blood type.

I am O-, too.

Thus, on Friday, I donated blood for Ayden, in the event he needs it:

Because I'm not a big fan of needles (I don't mind getting shots, but I can't stand to see a needle puncture my skin, so I have to look away), it was a bit of an ordeal.  I've given blood in the past without incident, but it was not planned weeks in advance.  This time, I had an appointment, and plenty of days to think about that needle being stuck in me.  Unfortunately, I had trouble getting that image out of my head once it was actually in there.  I started to feel a little warm, so they made me lay down and raise my feet.  I felt better after that, but they still hung on to me for quite a while before letting me leave.  (They said I looked pale.  I tried to tell them it was because the only thing they had on the TV in the donation area was The Ellen DeGeneres Show, but they either didn't appreciate my humor or didn't believe me, or both.)

Though it took longer than I had planned, I wish I could do it more than once.  Unfortunately, the preferred time for direct donations is 4-7 days before the blood is to be needed and they'll only let you donate once every 53 or so days.  But, I at least got one batch in.  I pray he won't need it (despite the amount of testing and screening involved, transfusions are still scary to us), but if he does, I'll at least feel better about it because I'll know where it came from.