Hope?

A few days ago, Allison wrote a very aptly titled post, although my reasons for why it was so apropos are probably quite different than hers.  Three days prior, as we were waiting for that all important blood gas to come back, I was more devoid of hope than I have been at any point in this process.  More so than the day I learned of his heart defect.  More so than when I was struggling with the reality that Ayden's lifespan could ultimately be measured in only days, not weeks, months, or years.  More so than even the day Ayden was hooked up to ECMO.

We were not making progress.  (Even after Ayden was connected to ECMO, there were positive signs, a sense of progress.)  We were one test result from seeing Ayden intubated for the fourth time.  I had no confidence anything would be different after a couple more days on the ventilator.  I was utterly discouraged.  Many times, I have made reference to "shades of grey" when discussing my state of mind.  Not last Sunday.  Last Sunday there was no grey.  There was no color at all.  There was nothing but an all-encompassing blackness that was one hour away from swallowing me whole.  I stepped out of Ayden's PCCU room, walked to the quiet room at the end of the hall, and asked (begged is probably more accurate) God to bring the CO2 level down.

As has been chronicled here, God responded.  That critical blood gas showed improvement.  Ayden had more time.  Then the next was steady.  Even more time.  Then BiPAP was weaned down and replaced with Vapotherm.  More time.  Then came the nasal cannula.  Then going to the floor.  Now, as I sit in Ayden's room almost a week later, he's sleeping peacefully, and smiling while he does so.  More time.

What a difference a week can make.

Since I arrived at the hospital Friday afternoon, after Ayden had moved to the floor, I have again seen him suck on his pacifier, smile his big, opened mouth smile, and start to "talk."  Pieces of him are coming back.  Seeing him smile yesterday when I approached him just made my day.  As always, there are no guarantees, but we are in a much better place today than we were a week ago.  Now I'm asking God to ensure it continues so that we may go home.

This post's title is a question.  The answer:

Yes.