The Cup

Some notes before I start. First, this will all make much more sense if you view a video that is the impetus for this post. Here is a preview. Here is where you can stream it for $2 (it's worth it, in my opinion), or order a DVD. Here, you can buy a version to download. I will warn you, it was pretty rough for me the first time I saw it. Second, I am no biblical scholar. There are so many things to talk about, but I know I can't do any of them any real justice. So, if I goof this up, which I will, please don't hold it against me. I have come to learn how important of an issue this is. I hope I can at least ably convey that. Finally, I continue to be immensely grateful for all of the love, support, and prayer that you have sent Ayden's way. I humbly ask that you keep it up.

I'll pause while you (hopefully) watch the video.


Done? Okay, then. On with the show.

***

As I've mentioned, I work for a Christian organization. Every Wednesday morning, there's a mini chapel service, which I usually don't attend. On one particular Wednesday morning, an ignoble reason compelled me to go. The video you (hopefully) just watched was shown at the start of that chapel service. As you might expect, pretty much everything in it hit me right between the eyes. Going in, I had no idea what it was about. I had no idea how it was going to start. I had no idea I would be crying around my coworkers. Not exactly how I had expected to start the day, obviously. But, after the shock of the opening wore off, I really started listening. I soon discovered that the guy was talking about everything that I have been wrestling with since I found out about Ayden's heart. What I learned was surprising, comforting, and sobering.

In Matthew 26:39, Jesus "fell with his face to the ground and prayed, 'My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.'" This verse is the source of my surprise and my comfort. Jesus, knowing what was in store for him, knowing what was on the line, still asked God to not have to go through it. He wanted the cup to be taken from him.

I can relate. I do not want to drink from the cup that has been put before me. More importantly, I do not want Ayden to have to drink from the one put before him. I want them to be taken away. I want him to be healed. I have "fallen with [my] face to the ground and prayed" that it would be so. Initially, I felt some selfishness in this. But to learn that Jesus, the only pure human to ever walk this Earth, once prayed in much the same way? That is a great comfort.

Now for the sobering part. In verse 42, Jesus "went away a second time and prayed, 'My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.'" This, I don't want to relate to. At all. Nevertheless, I have adopted these two prayers by Jesus as my own (these are the verses I wrote on the wall in Ayden's room before I painted it). I do my best to really mean the second one.

***

If you watched the video, I hope that you found it to be as useful as I have. As I said, there is so much in it that I can't even hope to fully explore it here. If nothing else, you at least have a snapshot into what I have been praying.

As the video says, I have tried to be brutally honest with God. I have told Him that I do not want this. I do not want this for me. I do not want this for Allison. I do not want this for Ayden. I have told Him that I know He can heal Ayden, that He can save him. Implicit in those statements are questions: Will you? Why wouldn't you? These are questions that have no answers. Like the guy in the video, I don't know why one little baby is spared while another dies. Maybe God doesn't answer all prayers, or maybe sometimes the answer "no," or maybe sometimes it's "yes, but not in the way that you are asking."

"My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me."

I do not know if Ayden will survive what he must face. I do not know if God will step in. If He doesn't, I will not understand why. I only know that I, like all of you, have been asking Him to intercede, to finish the work that Ayden could not. I do not want him to have to drink from that cup. If he must, I pray for the strength to face it.

"Yet not as I will, but as you will."

(I'm still working on this part.)