#thisismotherhood

I was blessed to be part of a photographer's project called #thisismotherhood. The photographer, Crystal Freemon, takes photos of local mothers and allows them to tell a short story or anecdote about their motherhood. The following was what I wrote for this very cool project:
"When I was pregnant with our first child, I envisioned motherhood to be precious giggling and gut wrenching crying, snuggles and tantrums, victories and struggles. I knew there would be late nights and early mornings, ear infections, scrapes and bruises, and poopy diapers. I knew there would be middle school angst, relationship drama, and many firsts.

When my husband and I went for the 20-week ultrasound, I was holding on to what I thought I knew and waiting to hear—Boy or girl? A boy? YES!! With half of a developed heart… Wait. What?

In that moment, I didn’t know… A WHOLE LOT.

I didn’t know our son’s smile would mean so much. I didn’t know I would bang my car steering wheel and cry out to the Lord for Strength and Peace. I didn’t know that we would have to be content with holding our son’s hand when we couldn’t cradle him in our arms, that we would watch him fight the nurses during a PICC dressing change, that I would cheer so loudly for a successful extubation,  that we would get up overnight to tube feed him, that we would see blood in his stool, that we would watch him crash to ECMO.

I also didn’t know that I would ever feel so much Hope. And with every passing day over the past five years, I am reminded daily of that Hope. I see Hope as our son runs the bases in baseball. I hear Hope when he sings “Amazing Grace” at bedtime. I marvel at Hope when he tries his first cheeseburger. I observe Hope as he makes tall Lego buildings with his younger brother. I feel Hope when our son wraps his arms around me and tells me, 'I love you, Mommy. I will never stop loving you.'

I still don’t know A WHOLE LOT, but I am forever changed by what I have experienced as a mother. I anticipate that the connection I feel to our two little boys will continue to mold me and craft me and teach me…  and most definitely ground me in Hope."