Baby Steps

After what we have gone through recently with Ayden, we are more than happy to just be heading in the right direction, even if we do so at a turtle's pace.  For the most part, since he came off ECMO Saturday morning, that's what we've been getting.  Paced by the pacemaker.  Then the pacemaker as backup only.  Then off the pacemaker.  Then a heart rate in the 110s.  Then 120s.  Then 130s and 140s.  Today?  150s.  (Ayden's been pretty mad a couple of times today.)  Baby steps.

Of late, though, things have picked up a bit.  Tuesday, his chest was closed.  Today, his chest drainage tubes came out.  Currently, the plan for tomorrow morning is take out the breathing tube.  Then, hopefully the ART line will soon come out, too (this is the line that constantly measures his blood pressure).  All of these things will hopefully make Ayden more comfortable, less grumpy (no more vagal responses, hopefully), and that much closer to getting off the sedatives.

All of this is very encouraging, given that Ayden was rushed down to the PCCU only eight days ago.  Unfortunately, that episode has made Allison and I much more skittish around Ayden than we were.  I'm sure, in time, we will get past that, but right now it's hard not to worry that something random might set him off on a downward spiral again.  What makes it worse is not knowing (and probably never knowing) what caused his breakdown.  My heart tells me it was simply God's way of guiding the doctors to ablating away the SVT problem, and nothing more.  My head tells me that's a delusional, self-serving rationalization of an event I don't truly want to understand, because of the possibility of a much less desirable explanation.

I suppose only time will tell whether my head or my heart is right.  I'm rooting for my heart (and for Ayden's).