Echo?

Allison has basically beaten me to this post, but I nonetheless feel compelled to echo what she has already said.

This blog and, more significantly, my life completely changed course exactly one month ago (has it really been a month???). This was to be the space where I wrote some pithy stuff about the whole pregnancy process, which I will still do from time to time. The gift registry process is squarely in my crosshairs right now (that reminds me: for those of you reading this that don't know me, what you have seen here so far is not indicative of my normal personality; some posts will be read at your own risk....you've been warned). This was most definitely not supposed to be a place where my feelings were laid bare, for the whole world to see.

Heck, the only reason this thing got started is because I bartered with Allison on it - I agreed to contribute to a blog in exchange for not having to do something else (I don't even remember what it was). Now, I can't imagine not having this outlet as a way to focus my emotions and then release them. As I sat at this computer one month ago and wrote about the most difficult thing I've ever had to face, the process itself was cathartic. It turned out to be a great way to get to the bottom of how I felt, one word, sentence, paragraph at a time. I've talked about Ayden's heart so many times to people, but I've yet to find a way to fully express myself as clearly and completely as I did here. I guess there is just something about being able to write, and delete, and rewrite, until it's......right. The pen is mightier, indeed.

***

I want to circle back to one thing from that post, as a vehicle by which I can echo something specific that Allison recently wrote. In it, I said that I felt as if the rug had been pulled out from underneath me just as I had learned to stand. One month later, that sensation still bubbles to the surface fairly regularly. I don't understand how this is possible, but for a time, this whole thing will fade into the background. Then, something innocuous (often it's someone interacting in some way with their son) will occur that brings it screaming back to the forefront of my mind. When that happens, I go through the whole range of emotions - sadness, disappointment, frustration, jealousy, but, thankfully, not anger - again. The rug has been pulled. Again.

Yet, in all the times this has happened, I have not hit the floor. I'm not standing, but I'm not on the floor.

I'm being held up. By all of you.

(I'll stop milking this metaphor now and move on....)

The response that Allison and I, and Ayden, have received - the thoughts, the prayers, the love - has been nothing short of overwhelming, in the best possible sense of that word. You - our family, our friends, our coworkers, plus the family, friends, and coworkers of all those people - have been amazing, and I am eternally grateful. It is impossible to overstate what your support has meant to us. I don't know what result all of these prayers will bring, but the sheer volume of them can't hurt, right? If God is capable of such a response, maybe He has grown weary of all the prayers for Ayden, a child who has not yet been born. Maybe this exchange will happen in Heaven's Prayer Intake Department:

(phone rings)

PRAYER INTAKE ANGEL #1:

(picks up the receiver) Prayer Intake Department, what is the nature of your prayer? .....Uh huh.......Yes, I'm familiar with him......Didn't you call about the same thing yesterday? And every day last week?......Thought so.......Yes, of course, I'll pass it along to Him.

(hangs up the phone, then to God:)

God, we just got another in about that Ayden kid. That's the 20th one today, and the eighth in a row.

GOD:

Another one???? They call all the time about him. If I don't answer, they just leave voicemails. My inbox is about to crash because of all the emails. They've already put me over my monthly text message allowance. They just won't stop. They're driving me crazy.

(long pause)

Okay, we've got to free the prayer channels up so other people can get through. Send Ayden's account over to Prayer Fulfillment, ASAP.

Fine, so maybe it wouldn't quite go like that, but you get my point (and here's to hoping that if God doesn't get weary, He at least has a sense of humor). Words cannot express how appreciative we are that you have inundated heaven with prayers for Ayden. As Allison has said: spiritually speaking, anything is possible. It may not happen, but it won't be for lack of effort. I thank all of you for that.