A parent from my school made this box for Ayden. It's perfect. Thank you for your "love and prayers"! (Click on the images to view the box in more detail.)
January 19, 2010
"Made With Love and Prayers"
A parent from my school made this box for Ayden. It's perfect. Thank you for your "love and prayers"! (Click on the images to view the box in more detail.)
January 18, 2010
Echo?
Allison has basically beaten me to this post, but I nonetheless feel compelled to echo what she has already said.
This blog and, more significantly, my life completely changed course exactly one month ago (has it really been a month???). This was to be the space where I wrote some pithy stuff about the whole pregnancy process, which I will still do from time to time. The gift registry process is squarely in my crosshairs right now (that reminds me: for those of you reading this that don't know me, what you have seen here so far is not indicative of my normal personality; some posts will be read at your own risk....you've been warned). This was most definitely not supposed to be a place where my feelings were laid bare, for the whole world to see.
Heck, the only reason this thing got started is because I bartered with Allison on it - I agreed to contribute to a blog in exchange for not having to do something else (I don't even remember what it was). Now, I can't imagine not having this outlet as a way to focus my emotions and then release them. As I sat at this computer one month ago and wrote about the most difficult thing I've ever had to face, the process itself was cathartic. It turned out to be a great way to get to the bottom of how I felt, one word, sentence, paragraph at a time. I've talked about Ayden's heart so many times to people, but I've yet to find a way to fully express myself as clearly and completely as I did here. I guess there is just something about being able to write, and delete, and rewrite, until it's......right. The pen is mightier, indeed.
I want to circle back to one thing from that post, as a vehicle by which I can echo something specific that Allison recently wrote. In it, I said that I felt as if the rug had been pulled out from underneath me just as I had learned to stand. One month later, that sensation still bubbles to the surface fairly regularly. I don't understand how this is possible, but for a time, this whole thing will fade into the background. Then, something innocuous (often it's someone interacting in some way with their son) will occur that brings it screaming back to the forefront of my mind. When that happens, I go through the whole range of emotions - sadness, disappointment, frustration, jealousy, but, thankfully, not anger - again. The rug has been pulled. Again.
Yet, in all the times this has happened, I have not hit the floor. I'm not standing, but I'm not on the floor.
I'm being held up. By all of you.
(I'll stop milking this metaphor now and move on....)
The response that Allison and I, and Ayden, have received - the thoughts, the prayers, the love - has been nothing short of overwhelming, in the best possible sense of that word. You - our family, our friends, our coworkers, plus the family, friends, and coworkers of all those people - have been amazing, and I am eternally grateful. It is impossible to overstate what your support has meant to us. I don't know what result all of these prayers will bring, but the sheer volume of them can't hurt, right? If God is capable of such a response, maybe He has grown weary of all the prayers for Ayden, a child who has not yet been born. Maybe this exchange will happen in Heaven's Prayer Intake Department:
(long pause)
Fine, so maybe it wouldn't quite go like that, but you get my point (and here's to hoping that if God doesn't get weary, He at least has a sense of humor). Words cannot express how appreciative we are that you have inundated heaven with prayers for Ayden. As Allison has said: spiritually speaking, anything is possible. It may not happen, but it won't be for lack of effort. I thank all of you for that.
This blog and, more significantly, my life completely changed course exactly one month ago (has it really been a month???). This was to be the space where I wrote some pithy stuff about the whole pregnancy process, which I will still do from time to time. The gift registry process is squarely in my crosshairs right now (that reminds me: for those of you reading this that don't know me, what you have seen here so far is not indicative of my normal personality; some posts will be read at your own risk....you've been warned). This was most definitely not supposed to be a place where my feelings were laid bare, for the whole world to see.
Heck, the only reason this thing got started is because I bartered with Allison on it - I agreed to contribute to a blog in exchange for not having to do something else (I don't even remember what it was). Now, I can't imagine not having this outlet as a way to focus my emotions and then release them. As I sat at this computer one month ago and wrote about the most difficult thing I've ever had to face, the process itself was cathartic. It turned out to be a great way to get to the bottom of how I felt, one word, sentence, paragraph at a time. I've talked about Ayden's heart so many times to people, but I've yet to find a way to fully express myself as clearly and completely as I did here. I guess there is just something about being able to write, and delete, and rewrite, until it's......right. The pen is mightier, indeed.
***
I want to circle back to one thing from that post, as a vehicle by which I can echo something specific that Allison recently wrote. In it, I said that I felt as if the rug had been pulled out from underneath me just as I had learned to stand. One month later, that sensation still bubbles to the surface fairly regularly. I don't understand how this is possible, but for a time, this whole thing will fade into the background. Then, something innocuous (often it's someone interacting in some way with their son) will occur that brings it screaming back to the forefront of my mind. When that happens, I go through the whole range of emotions - sadness, disappointment, frustration, jealousy, but, thankfully, not anger - again. The rug has been pulled. Again.
Yet, in all the times this has happened, I have not hit the floor. I'm not standing, but I'm not on the floor.
I'm being held up. By all of you.
(I'll stop milking this metaphor now and move on....)
The response that Allison and I, and Ayden, have received - the thoughts, the prayers, the love - has been nothing short of overwhelming, in the best possible sense of that word. You - our family, our friends, our coworkers, plus the family, friends, and coworkers of all those people - have been amazing, and I am eternally grateful. It is impossible to overstate what your support has meant to us. I don't know what result all of these prayers will bring, but the sheer volume of them can't hurt, right? If God is capable of such a response, maybe He has grown weary of all the prayers for Ayden, a child who has not yet been born. Maybe this exchange will happen in Heaven's Prayer Intake Department:
(phone rings)
PRAYER INTAKE ANGEL #1:
(picks up the receiver) Prayer Intake Department, what is the nature of your prayer? .....Uh huh.......Yes, I'm familiar with him......Didn't you call about the same thing yesterday? And every day last week?......Thought so.......Yes, of course, I'll pass it along to Him.
(hangs up the phone, then to God:)
God, we just got another in about that Ayden kid. That's the 20th one today, and the eighth in a row.
God, we just got another in about that Ayden kid. That's the 20th one today, and the eighth in a row.
GOD:
Another one???? They call all the time about him. If I don't answer, they just leave voicemails. My inbox is about to crash because of all the emails. They've already put me over my monthly text message allowance. They just won't stop. They're driving me crazy.
(long pause)
Okay, we've got to free the prayer channels up so other people can get through. Send Ayden's account over to Prayer Fulfillment, ASAP.
Fine, so maybe it wouldn't quite go like that, but you get my point (and here's to hoping that if God doesn't get weary, He at least has a sense of humor). Words cannot express how appreciative we are that you have inundated heaven with prayers for Ayden. As Allison has said: spiritually speaking, anything is possible. It may not happen, but it won't be for lack of effort. I thank all of you for that.
January 17, 2010
Answers to Some Heart Questions
I have received a number of the same questions regarding Ayden’s heart, so I thought that I would answer some of them here.
When Bryan and I went to the OB to find out whether or not we were having a boy or a girl, the ultrasound technician couldn’t see all of Ayden’s heart. After viewing the pictures himself, our OB then referred us to a maternal fetal specialist. Once another round of ultrasound pictures were shot (both by a technician and the specialist), the specialist confirmed what the OB’s office said and gave a name to the baby’s condition, hypoplastic left heart syndrome. The maternal fetal specialist then sent us on to Vanderbilt to meet with a pediatric cardiologist, who did her own ultrasound investigation before echoing what the previous two doctors had told us. (Bryan has written about these doctor’s visits in greater detail in previous blog posts.)
Medically speaking, Ayden’s heart is done developing (this actually happens in the first few weeks after conception), and he will come into this world with only half of his heart. As a result, he will require two surgeries in the first six months of his life; 80% survive the first surgical procedure, the Norwood procedure; 20% more don’t make it to the second procedure. Ayden will have yet another surgery at approximately two years old. The success rate for the second and third surgeries, all part of the Fontan procedure, is much higher.
Spiritually speaking, anything is possible. We are praying for a miracle.
When Bryan and I went to the OB to find out whether or not we were having a boy or a girl, the ultrasound technician couldn’t see all of Ayden’s heart. After viewing the pictures himself, our OB then referred us to a maternal fetal specialist. Once another round of ultrasound pictures were shot (both by a technician and the specialist), the specialist confirmed what the OB’s office said and gave a name to the baby’s condition, hypoplastic left heart syndrome. The maternal fetal specialist then sent us on to Vanderbilt to meet with a pediatric cardiologist, who did her own ultrasound investigation before echoing what the previous two doctors had told us. (Bryan has written about these doctor’s visits in greater detail in previous blog posts.)
Medically speaking, Ayden’s heart is done developing (this actually happens in the first few weeks after conception), and he will come into this world with only half of his heart. As a result, he will require two surgeries in the first six months of his life; 80% survive the first surgical procedure, the Norwood procedure; 20% more don’t make it to the second procedure. Ayden will have yet another surgery at approximately two years old. The success rate for the second and third surgeries, all part of the Fontan procedure, is much higher.
Spiritually speaking, anything is possible. We are praying for a miracle.
January 10, 2010
“Jesus loves me. This I know.”
When Bryan and I began the blog, the vision for what our writing would be was, admittedly, fairly superficial. I thought that my journaling would constitute the majority of the blog and would consist of emotional notations of the baby’s development and our excitement for his arrival. I thought that Bryan would suffer through the process because it was important to me, and he would come up with sarcastic entries about various subjects having to do with pregnancy, babies, and having children. While I do not believe that we have strayed entirely from who we are as writers and/or what our initial inclinations were for the website — you will still get sarcasm and sentimentality — I recognize that our blog has taken a far more comprehensive, passionate, and global turn.
In the past month, Ayden’s story has been spread throughout major U.S. corporations and in family-owned businesses, from California to Italy to Jordan and from New York to Florida, among small groups in an assortment of churches, across schools, etc. My hope is that you can feel as though you all are intensely part of our baby’s growth, his story in the Master Plan, and that, as the Body of Christ, you would lift up our son’s name in unceasing prayer and with one voice. In one month, I have learned that the Body has great power in Christ’s name; your encouragement with regards to our son has given us strength and made us feel beloved.
Prayer for Ayden has been one of the more difficult processes I have ever had to wrestle. As his mother, one would think that the prayers that I would lift up to my Lord would be obvious, but I feel at a loss for words. I am intensely aware that God knows my desires, and I rest in knowing that the words will come when they are supposed to. In the meantime, I pray for the same two things that I prayed for him before I even knew he existed: I pray that Ayden will know the Lord and that he will be a witness for His Love. Only God can use the life of an unborn child as ministry for a God that loves deeply, and I believe that God has done that with Ayden.
Our pastor reminded us of Jesus’ example in his sermon this morning. He started by referring to twelve-year-old Jesus giving perhaps his first sermon in Luke 2. In this chapter, Mary and Joseph have become separated from their son, and they are understandably worried about his sudden disappearance. When they find him in the temple courts of Jerusalem, they exclaim that they have been frantically searching for him. Jesus responds, “Didn’t you know that I must be about my Father’s business?” (v. 49) At twelve, he could comprehend the relationship He had to the Father and the job that He had to complete with the remainder of His life.
Since I started back to teaching this past week, I have spent more time thinking about the ministry of children. Since the beginning of my pregnancy, my past and present students and cheerleaders have loved on the baby and me in a very uninhibited way. They have written me notes and emails, made posters, given the baby books (some purchased and some from their own dearly-loved libraries); they have created websites with Ayden’s story; they have circled around their computers at home with friends and family, read the blog, and then shared in our tears; they have joined hands in Bible studies and presented Ayden to their Lord; they have spread the word to others so that still more can be in prayer.
One of my closest friends has five and six-year-old boys. She reminded me recently that there is something amazing about prayer from the mouths of babes. Indeed, those two little boys prayed for Bryan and me to have a baby, and then they sang praises when they heard of our pregnancy. Now they pray for the baby’s heart.
Jesus charges us to be like children in our relationship to Him (Matthew18: 2-3; Mark 10:14-16). My students at school and my friend’s children remind me of what it means to believe with childlike faith. Their humble and sincere hearts for God manifest themselves in their actions towards others (towards us). They are "about (their) Father's business" as witnesses of God’s love, just as I want our Ayden to be.
_________________
Prayer Request: In the last months of pregnancy, Bryan and I will have a number of doctor’s appointments. We pray that all other baby developments continue as normal. We pray that the doctors will acquire all of the information necessary to act wisely when Ayden is born. We hope that that the blog entries that you will read up until delivery have little news of doctor’s visits.
Other Information at 25 weeks: My innie belly button is becoming not so innie. - I feel like a rolly polly when I get up out of chairs. - People can now recognize that I am pregnant. - Baby registering is a ridiculous process, especially if you are a tad bit matchy matchy, picky, and obsessive compulsive. - Ayden is now doing flips in my stomach, and I still think that sharing his acrobatics with Bryan has been one of my favorite parts about being pregnant. - I still don’t have an OB. - I used to think acid reflux was make believe; yeah, um, it’s not. – What is the secret to finding a good position for sleeping???
In the past month, Ayden’s story has been spread throughout major U.S. corporations and in family-owned businesses, from California to Italy to Jordan and from New York to Florida, among small groups in an assortment of churches, across schools, etc. My hope is that you can feel as though you all are intensely part of our baby’s growth, his story in the Master Plan, and that, as the Body of Christ, you would lift up our son’s name in unceasing prayer and with one voice. In one month, I have learned that the Body has great power in Christ’s name; your encouragement with regards to our son has given us strength and made us feel beloved.
Prayer for Ayden has been one of the more difficult processes I have ever had to wrestle. As his mother, one would think that the prayers that I would lift up to my Lord would be obvious, but I feel at a loss for words. I am intensely aware that God knows my desires, and I rest in knowing that the words will come when they are supposed to. In the meantime, I pray for the same two things that I prayed for him before I even knew he existed: I pray that Ayden will know the Lord and that he will be a witness for His Love. Only God can use the life of an unborn child as ministry for a God that loves deeply, and I believe that God has done that with Ayden.
Our pastor reminded us of Jesus’ example in his sermon this morning. He started by referring to twelve-year-old Jesus giving perhaps his first sermon in Luke 2. In this chapter, Mary and Joseph have become separated from their son, and they are understandably worried about his sudden disappearance. When they find him in the temple courts of Jerusalem, they exclaim that they have been frantically searching for him. Jesus responds, “Didn’t you know that I must be about my Father’s business?” (v. 49) At twelve, he could comprehend the relationship He had to the Father and the job that He had to complete with the remainder of His life.
Since I started back to teaching this past week, I have spent more time thinking about the ministry of children. Since the beginning of my pregnancy, my past and present students and cheerleaders have loved on the baby and me in a very uninhibited way. They have written me notes and emails, made posters, given the baby books (some purchased and some from their own dearly-loved libraries); they have created websites with Ayden’s story; they have circled around their computers at home with friends and family, read the blog, and then shared in our tears; they have joined hands in Bible studies and presented Ayden to their Lord; they have spread the word to others so that still more can be in prayer.
One of my closest friends has five and six-year-old boys. She reminded me recently that there is something amazing about prayer from the mouths of babes. Indeed, those two little boys prayed for Bryan and me to have a baby, and then they sang praises when they heard of our pregnancy. Now they pray for the baby’s heart.
Jesus charges us to be like children in our relationship to Him (Matthew18: 2-3; Mark 10:14-16). My students at school and my friend’s children remind me of what it means to believe with childlike faith. Their humble and sincere hearts for God manifest themselves in their actions towards others (towards us). They are "about (their) Father's business" as witnesses of God’s love, just as I want our Ayden to be.
_________________
Prayer Request: In the last months of pregnancy, Bryan and I will have a number of doctor’s appointments. We pray that all other baby developments continue as normal. We pray that the doctors will acquire all of the information necessary to act wisely when Ayden is born. We hope that that the blog entries that you will read up until delivery have little news of doctor’s visits.
Other Information at 25 weeks: My innie belly button is becoming not so innie. - I feel like a rolly polly when I get up out of chairs. - People can now recognize that I am pregnant. - Baby registering is a ridiculous process, especially if you are a tad bit matchy matchy, picky, and obsessive compulsive. - Ayden is now doing flips in my stomach, and I still think that sharing his acrobatics with Bryan has been one of my favorite parts about being pregnant. - I still don’t have an OB. - I used to think acid reflux was make believe; yeah, um, it’s not. – What is the secret to finding a good position for sleeping???
January 4, 2010
Final results are in.
I know a lot of you have been checking this space to see what the final amnio results were. We didn't get them until last Wednesday evening and, with work and the wedding we traveled to over the weekend (Jordan & Matt: congrats, again), I just hadn't gotten around to posting them.
So, with apologies for the delay, here they are:
Negative, just like the preliminary results.
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So, with apologies for the delay, here they are:
Negative, just like the preliminary results.
.jpg)
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