Shout Out

The students occasionally have late openings at school. As teachers, we come to school early for meetings, and then classes resume on a shortened schedule. On one such day this month, I returned to my classroom to meet with students and to organize my day. No sooner did I sit down at my desk did I receive the most amazing surprise. One-by-one my football cheerleaders filed into my room bursting into congratulatory song. As a group, they presented me with a generous baby gift. I was so overwhelmed by the love that they poured into me that morning. I cried when they departed... and I have cried every time since then that I have retold the story to my friends and family. Football cheerleading families, your generosity and thoughtfulness with regards to my pregnancy and our son have been immensely encouraging, and Bryan and I are eternally grateful.
Some of my most incredible memories in the past five years have happened with the cheerleading family, and I have been so encouraged by their joy, benevolence, and support. The cheerleaders were among the first to be told that I was pregnant, and I will never forget sharing my heart with them that day. Even today I received an endearing note from one of the basketball cheerleaders, and I was once again embraced by thoughtfulness. God blessed me with ten squads worth of amazing girls and families, and I have so treasured that time. What an honor it has been to be in the lives of such incredible examples of God’s love!

There are countless others at school that have acted as the hands and feet of Christ. Cindy, Jordy, and Nancy threw a “sweet” shower of dessert fashion complete with mocha punch and blue and white cupcakes decorated with the letter a. The school community joined together to purchase the crib mattress and the pack & play (or as Bryan says, “the cage”), as well as to contribute diaper money. I felt (feel) spoiled. I continually feel wrapped in people’s arms and held up by their strength. The 7th and 9th grade moms’ Bible studies sent me cards. My B1 class lifts up the baby in prayer, without me ever mentioning it to them. One of my students presented the baby with his favorite children’s book, Guess How Much I Love You. An art teacher painted book images on the nursery walls. We also continue to receive notes and emails from the school community. I have been overwhelmed by the tender acts of those that surround me.April 9th will be my last work day at school. I am flooded with the emotion that comes from having given my heart to families and having those same families care for me (and my husband and son). I am so humbled. I am so indebted. I am so sad. And I am joyful too. I carry with me precious memories and unending ties. I have learned much. I have much to learn. Thank you to you all for carrying me into this new season.

Cindy C. and Gale, thanks for the pictures!

One Way or Another

On Wednesday, Ayden weighed five pounds and nine ounces (plus or minus 15 ounces), which was five more ounces from the previous Wednesday. His weight places him in the mid-30 percentile, which the doctors consider average. With the exception of his tummy size, his overall development appears to be average. His tummy was in the mid-60 percentile, which the ultrasound technicians describe as “chunky.” It’s the second time that we have discovered that our baby has some chub to him! (Bryan previously posted about his chubby leg.)

Ayden is still incredibly active. He especially loves his daddy, so Bryan takes full advantage of experiencing the movement of his son. All Bryan has to do is rub my tummy or talk in my vicinity, and our little one begins to look for his father. While Ayden still kicks and hits, he also slides his body across mine. The effect is somewhat alien-looking (and feeling), as one can actually watch Ayden move from one part of me to another. His favorite location is the right side of my belly button. (If you remember, he used to hang out to the left.) Since he doesn’t appear to want to take full advantage of the space (albeit small) that he has, my stomach often appears lop-sided.

I am experiencing Braxton Hicks, which are mini contractions. I went to the hospital the first time that I experienced them because I am understandably more sensitive about the safety of Ayden (and, being a first time mom, am also totally unaware of what one is supposed to feel while in labor!). I will admit that I felt stupid showing up to the hospital for false labor, but the hospital staff and my husband insisted that I did the right thing to protect the baby. Since then, I tend to have contractions after a long work day or a long work week; so far, sitting down and drinking water have helped them to subside.
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The doctors prefer for Ayden to be born naturally, as they believe that that is the best for him. (I preferred this myself, so I was glad to hear their desire matched mine!) They do not want Ayden born on a weekend, which is when he is due, because they want to take advantage of a fuller weekday staff. As a result, Ayden will be induced on a weekday; that date/time has not yet been determined.

On Wednesday, besides experiencing the usual ultrasound and medical conversation, we also went on a tour of the Vanderbilt hospitals, and the nurse explained to us the expected process for us and our son. We will obviously start out at labor and delivery, where three additional people will join our delivery team. Those three people serve as support for Ayden and will check him immediately when he is born. If Ayden is struggling (specifically they are looking to see if he can breathe on his own), they will take him immediately to Children’s. If he appears to be doing well, they will hand our son to us. We get to hold Ayden as a family for only a few minutes before they take him to Children’s, approximately ¾ of a mile from where I will recuperate from delivery. Bryan will go with the baby, and I will have a phone that enables me to access the doctors and Bryan during the time that we are separated.

For approximately two hours, they will do various things with our son. They will scan his entire body to get a better view of his heart, as well as other organs. During this time, they will better be able to determine if Ayden does indeed have heterotaxy. They will also hook up two IVs to his body, one through his hand and the other through his belly button. At least one of those will be used to begin giving our son the medication to keep his patent ductus arteriosus open until his first surgery.

Ayden will be placed in NICU until his first surgery, which will occur within the first three days of his arrival. In NICU, Ayden will have his own room, and depending on how well he does, he will either have his own nurse, or he will share one with another child. After surgery, Ayden will stay at PCCU for at least three weeks. Again, the rooming and nurse situation is the same.

Visitation at Children’s is very strict in order to protect the lives of the children. If you come to the hospital, you will most likely not get to see Ayden. Not only does the staff wish to keep his stress level low, but he will be susceptible to illness, which is something that his body cannot handle on top of a heart condition. Bryan and I will see Ayden as much as we want, and we will most likely be staying at either the hospital or Ronald McDonald House during Ayden’s three week stay.

While on the tour, I was comforted by the knowledge gleaned and the obvious preparedness of the Vanderbilt community. While the above information is a best case medical scenario, I am hopeful for that scenario... or a miracle. I have to believe that our son will be okay, one way or another.

"Cool Little Shoes"

PUMAS LIKE DADDY'S
MOMMY'S PICK
UNCLE JAMES BOUGHT THESE IN SOUTH AMERICA.

Duck on a Pond

As Allison recently intimated, many have (understandably) inquired into our well being as of late. I have found the question of "how are you?" to be a very difficult one to answer. My stock answer is that I'm "okay," which is an essentially accurate, albeit grossly oversimplified, response. For the most part, I really am okay. Nothing more, nothing less. I am functioning, both at work and at home, but I truly am a duck on a pond. The surface view is calm, but underneath, my feet are constantly moving to keep me afloat.

The interior tumult directly results from the conflicting emotions that I feel. The tumult is even greater now that, seemingly all of the sudden, his arrival is almost upon us. I eagerly await the day that I get to meet my son, but for that to happen, he must leave the place where he is the most safe. The outside world brings danger (to him) and doubt and fear (to me), but I long for the opportunity to continue to get to know him. (And I do mean continue. Even though Ayden is still in Allison's womb, I feel like he and I have already formed a relationship, like he already has a personality. It's as if he knows that it's me - his father - when I touch Allison's belly, because he responds. It's like he knows that I'm there. Even if that's merely an illusion, I'm grateful to God for it.)

I'm excited for his arrival, but I'm fearful that his presence on this Earth will be very brief. The potentiality that I may never really get to hold him is an impossible thing to digest. And there are much darker thoughts than that: Will I get to play catch with him? Take him to his first Clemson game? Watch movies with him? Teach him how to drive? Have a beer with him? Will I get to see him graduate from high school? From college? Get married? Why are we doing all of these things - painting his room, buying him clothes, diapers, toys, etc. - when he may never see his room, his crib, the beautiful painting on the wall above it, wear the Cool Little Shoes that we've bought him...? Why did we have a shower for a child that may not live for more than 2 or 3 days? The worst question of all, I can't even bring myself to type. I know these thoughts are not really my own, that I have not really entertained them at all, but there they are, in my head. Even though they do not control me, I would really like for them to go away.

I do not know why I (and Allison and Ayden) must face this, why God hasn't healed him, whether He eventually will, etc. That's a whole other post unto itself, which I hope to get to soon. For now, though, what I do know is that we are only getting through this by not letting those dark thoughts rule the day. (I'm grateful to God for that, too. Our friend Phil asked how non-believers can deal with something like this. I had no answer. Maybe they don't.) We would be unable to function if all we thought about was that there's a 40% chance Ayden will die before he's six months old. That cannot, and has not, been our focus. We have to do all of the things - the room painting, the showers, the Cool Little Shoes buying - that other expectant couples do. We have to prepare as if he will eventually sleep in his crib, play with his toys, wear his Cool Little Shoes. We have to. To do otherwise is a path to misery and folly.

I don't know what will happen. I am planning that he and I will get to do all of the things that a father and son get to do. I am preparing for that we won't. I am still getting used to the fact that I will be a father. I still pause briefly every time I use that term to describe myself. I fear that it's applicability to me will be fleeting.

It all seems so surreal, and yet so painfully real at the same time. So black, and yet so white.

I am clouded in grey. I am a duck on a pond.

How are you? No, really, how ARE you?

The fact that we are going to have a baby boy NEXT MONTH is daunting, though I believe that that would be the case regardless of whether or not Ayden had a heart condition. I realize that some people probably think that we are in denial or that we are putting up a brave front. I don’t believe that either of those is true. We have just been blessed with God’s Strength to push through the everyday.

Since you don’t often see me emote, I figured that I would let you in on some of my own heart:

I think that my fears most often manifest themselves through stress— stress over schoolwork, stress over Ayden’s room, stress over a dirty house, etc. Of course, stress is entirely unhealthy for both the baby and me, not to mention that stress suggests that I am in control… and well, I’m not, and I’m glad that I’m not.

Most of my tears have been shed with my husband. Other than when we first discovered Ayden’s congenital heart defect back in December, I haven’t had many moments of break down. The first one occurred quite randomly and took us both off guard. Bryan and I were watching a movie, and Ayden started moving. For some reason, his movement caused me to think of how safe and happy he is in my tummy. When the tears began to stream down my face, all I could say was that I just wanted him to be okay and that he was okay where he was. Indeed this last month of pregnancy and those hours of delivery are going to impress upon me absolute confusion. I will be struck by the paradox of love. I will want to meet my son, but I will want to hold him close in safety at the same time.

Any moments of absolute heartache seem to be often instigated by a rush of selfish thoughts that I can’t seem to get under control. (I AM a sinner; what can I say?) For instance, all parents dream of that moment when they get to hold their son or daughter after he/she is born. I may never have that moment. Or the moment may last but a few minutes before they take him from me. I think about what I will say to my son during those few minutes, and I am overwhelmed by how words seem so inadequate. Bryan comforted me by telling me that I can be telling him all the things that I want to say now. My cousin Matthew told me to speak words to him in the womb as Samson’s mother did.

I cried a lot this afternoon. I became so frustrated by the onslaught of things that “aren’t supposed to go this way.” We received a bill from my old OB, money that we thought was already taken care of from meeting my deductible last year. However, since we transferred doctors, I supposedly am no longer receiving global care from him, and we are supposed to pay him for the part of the pregnancy that he was part of. Then we will be hit with another bill from the new OB for the remainder of the pregnancy. Ugh. So discouraging.

Fortunately, I have tremendous comfort in my relationship to my husband. Today he listened to me cry on the phone, he at his desk downtown and me in the floor at home. He reminded me that the finances are so much less significant than the other concerns and that it was important for me to just calm down. Yesterday I asked Bryan, “We’re going to get through this, right?” He said that we would, one way or another. I responded, “At least we have each other.” He said, “That’s why we’ll get through it.” How grateful I am that I don’t have to fly solo, that I have Bryan and amazing family and friends.

So, you see, like one would expect, I’ve had my struggles. I’m no Wonder Woman. My only peace comes in knowing that God hasn’t abandoned my family, my son… me. I still have hope in the face of all that we know and all that we don’t. It doesn’t help for us to be worried about tomorrow so much so that we stop living today. The smiles that you see from me are sincere, not a coverup. I have much to be grateful for.

Some Discussion on Heterotaxy

A few people have inquired about the possibility of Ayden having heterotaxy, so this blog entry is an attempt to ease the panic... I hope.

As Bryan stated in his blog entry, Ayden possibly having heterotaxy does not change the diagnosis for his heart, nor does it mean that his heart is in worse shape than before. As planned, Ayden will still have the three surgeries to help his body function with half of his heart.

Heterotaxy obviously has the potential to affect other organs; however, I have not been left with the impression that the organs most affected would be vital ones. Should he be missing a spleen, he would take medication. Should his appendix be on the wrong side, or should he have more than one, that is information that is good for all to know. The most complicated effect of heterotaxy appears to be that he could have his intestines twisted, but those kinks can be worked out. (Literature students, do you see the pun?) In other words, the heterotaxy could add potential difficulties, but those are the least of our worries when we have an infant up for multiple heart surgeries.

If anything, we are grateful for modern medicine and the care of the doctors. Having the many ultrasounds, etc. allow doctors to know more about our son so that they can better treat him when he is born.

This post does not exist

As you saw in a recent post by Allison, we have been doing some painting of late. We painted Ayden's room and the study downstairs. While painting the walls was the extent of the work to be done in the study, Allison had decided that she would like Ayden's room to have a storybook theme, which meant there was more work to do than just paint his walls. The next step was to get some scenes from some books up on the wall. Sounds fairly simple, right? Well, the twist was that we had someone paint reproductions of them directly onto the wall. So much for simple (and before you start thinking that we're making more money than we are, the artist is someone we know, and the price was very reasonable).

At any rate, Allison wanted me to post some pictures of the process and the end result. Being the lawyer that I am, copyright implications are obviously a concern of mine in posting anything. The last thing that I want as a byproduct of this blog is a cease and desist letter from some $800/hr attorney. I had to therefore scour the pictures that Allison had taken to find the least problematic one. That picture is below (with all of the incriminating stuff blacked out):



But seriously, thanks [name redacted], you did a great job. It looks awesome. Ayden's room will be cooler than those of all of his friends. We'll have to cut the pieces of drywall out so we can take your work with us whenever we move.